The timing couldn’t have been more perfect for me because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my hubby. I mean, what are we REALLY like as a couple when everything else – work, kids, etc. – is stripped away? It is so easy for the ins and outs, ups and downs of daily life to shift focus away from the really important stuff…like a marriage.
My lack of focus on “us” became glaringly obvious to me once we decided that our family was complete. B had a vasectomy this past September and just like that, no more babies. The decision was made and the appointment was scheduled before we could have a second thought.
Then I was pummeled by a hailstorm of emotions. I kind of fell into an emotional funk, grieving all of the things I’ll never experience again – hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time, seeing the first sonogram, feeling her kicks in my belly, meeting her for the first time, etc.
And what about my sweet little O? She was only 7 months old. I second guessed the decision for days, feeling guilty because O will not have a sibling close to her age. M and E are so much older than her and that sibling bond that comes with shared childhood experiences just isn’t there. She will probably be the only kid at home for a good chunk of her childhood. I cannot imagine my life without my baby brother, so it seemed so awful to deprive her of that.
I expected to feel and worry about these things.
But then all of these unexpected things came up! I realized at that moment that hubby and I have hardly spent time together just being a married couple. The fact that we would not be having any more babies opened up an entirely new realm of things for me to think about, plan for, and worry over.
What will we do with our time? What will we talk about if not of the babies or the bills or whatever? We are already on the quiet side, so what WILL we talk about? What kind of couple will we be when we have the time and the energy to actually BE a couple? What if we suddenly realize we don’t like each other?
EMOTIONAL FUNK I tell you.
Such a funk that it has taken me almost 3 months to get around to writing about the situation. Depressing, I know. It took a little longer to process than I had imagined, and I think this rambling stream of word vomit is just another step in the journey.
One thing that truly helped me sort out the tangled, matted mess of my thoughts and feelings was to write a letter to my husband. I started it the night before his appointment, and I’m just finishing it up. I will post it as a Part 2 (kind of) to this one.
I know this was a very long post, and I hope some of you can relate a little. I wanted to get some of the heavy stuff off my chest as 2014 comes to an end.
Starting anew always feels amazing! 😃
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