An Ending

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I just read a great post on mamapedia.com, written by Pete of Dadmissions, talking about couple-ness in parenthood.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect for me because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my hubby. I mean, what are we REALLY like as a couple when everything else – work, kids, etc. – is stripped away? It is so easy for the ins and outs, ups and downs of daily life to shift focus away from the really important stuff…like a marriage.

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Right before we got married. Just kids, right?!

My lack of focus on “us” became glaringly obvious to me once we decided that our family was complete. B had a vasectomy this past September and just like that, no more babies. The decision was made and the appointment was scheduled before we could have a second thought.

Then I was pummeled by a hailstorm of emotions. I kind of fell into an emotional funk, grieving all of the things I’ll never experience again – hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time, seeing the first sonogram, feeling her kicks in my belly, meeting her for the first time, etc.

And what about my sweet little O? She was only 7 months old. I second guessed the decision for days, feeling guilty because O will not have a sibling close to her age. M and E are so much older than her and that sibling bond that comes with shared childhood experiences just isn’t there. She will probably be the only kid at home for a good chunk of her childhood. I cannot imagine my life without my baby brother, so it seemed so awful to deprive her of that.

I expected to feel and worry about these things.

But then all of these unexpected things came up! I realized at that moment that hubby and I have hardly spent time together just being a married couple. The fact that we would not be having any more babies opened up an entirely new realm of things for me to think about, plan for, and worry over.

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That one time we went out and got crazy in 2012. Let’s do that again!

What will we do with our time? What will we talk about if not of the babies or the bills or whatever? We are already on the quiet side, so what WILL we talk about? What kind of couple will we be when we have the time and the energy to actually BE a couple? What if we suddenly realize we don’t like each other?

EMOTIONAL FUNK I tell you.

Such a funk that it has taken me almost 3 months to get around to writing about the situation. Depressing, I know. It took a little longer to process than I had imagined, and I think this rambling stream of word vomit is just another step in the journey.

One thing that truly helped me sort out the tangled, matted mess of my thoughts and feelings was to write a letter to my husband. I started it the night before his appointment, and I’m just finishing it up. I will post it as a Part 2 (kind of) to this one.

I know this was a very long post, and I hope some of you can relate a little. I wanted to get some of the heavy stuff off my chest as 2014 comes to an end.

Starting anew always feels amazing! πŸ˜ƒ

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Maybe getting back in shape can be one of our things!

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7 thoughts on “An Ending

  1. I love how you wrote this post – it is much of what I’ve been thinking for the past while. I’m … curious (that’s the wrong word – so maybe excited (?) would be better) – about what happens with marriage post young kids. Because there is no question who you are/were as a couple changes. I read this book once that talked about how marriage once you had kids was similar to running a small non-profit. I have to say I remembered the comment and a few years in, I’d say it’s accurate. Married with kids can certainly become almost “running a small business-like”.

    That said, I equally look to friends out of the preschool jungle, who are still happily together and my parents, who vacation as a couple in a way I can only dream about, and I know if you are team that is meant to last – you will last.

    I wish you happiness – this was a great post.

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    • Thank you for reading and for sharing that you can relate. It helps me so much to know that there are other mothers and wives who are suddenly seeing their life through a different lens. I definitely have more posts coming on the topic of working through some of the things I seem to avoid or stall out on. I’d love to hear more about your situation! Is it the choice to have no more kiddos, or realizing there’s much work to be done with your spouse? I’m kind of all of the above at the moment. Lol

      Anyway please feel free to share more of you want! Or you can message me if you just want to chit chat with another in a similar situation! πŸ˜„

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lovely post. I have given this some serious thought the last few months as well. My youngest will start school soon and It has left me thinking some of these very things. Asking the same kind of questions. I still do not have the answers but I really like your idea of writing a letter. I will most definitely be back to see follow up posts.

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    • Thank you so much! I have always been absolutely terrible at expressing myself verbally. So when it’s something like this, i definitely grab a pen. I used to write letters to my brother when we didnt see eye to eye on things. We never fight, so the need for this was very rare. But when it got to that point, I’d just lay it all out there, holding nothing back. I wanted him to know exactly how i felt and what i thought dammit. Then I would put it in an envelope, seal it up, address it, stamp it… And put it in a box in my closet. Lol just the outlet of writing made me feel so much better, and less angry. I still have them. One day I want to open them and hopefully laugh about how mad I was about some dumb little thing at the time. πŸ˜„

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  3. Pingback: A Letter to My Husband | That Awkward Mom

  4. As a older mom I worry more about if I will be here when my child grows up and if not will he be OK than what will my husband and I do alone together as we will be too old to care. So even if we end up with nothing to talk about we will be so old no one else would want us. So make sure you make time for your hubby now and enjoy him. Your child will be OK as a only child as mine is too and he finds plenty to do plus it has brought us closer together as a family.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just talked to my husband about this same thing. Told him we need to try hard in this New Year to have a date night and spend time together. The family is together because we are a couple and we need to strengthen that relationship every day!! Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

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